So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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