First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
