I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We talked him into tasing himself.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
