Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
