If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize