if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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