I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
