I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
