Hey man sorry I got all grabby
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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