Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
