new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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