i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
