Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
