Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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