My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
