What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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