Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
