why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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