My room smells like vodka and shame
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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