I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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