im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My liver is preforming stress tests.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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