i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize