I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
