I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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