Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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