you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
