My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Randomize
