She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
