Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
