Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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