On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That's when you crack a 10am beer
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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