Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This is classic penis vs brain.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
