I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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