I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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