i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
