The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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