I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
