Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
