I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
