We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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