Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize