38 yer olds are good kisserssss
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
