Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
