dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
