Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
