I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
