Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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