I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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