So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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