Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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