hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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