There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
