I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize