My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
