my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize