Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
