My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
