Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
not ubering you a puppy
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
