So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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