I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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